Act 1, sc i Me: Look, girls, a new yoga studio. 14 yo friend: ANOTHER yoga place?! Me: This one is yoga and barre. 14 yo: It's a bar too? Other 14 yo: Not bar, barre. 14 yo friend: Could you imagine? A bar and yoga? That would be every mother’s dream. Me: You girls know way too much. End scene. My four year old whacked his head on the coffee table not once but
Read more 7
Act I, sc i Me: Excuse me sir... I'm not getting fresh with you, I just need some rhubarb. Man: Hon, I'm 86. Getting fresh with me would be like getting fresh with that rhubarb. (He turns to a woman approaching) Oh, here's my wife. She's caught us flirting. Wife: (looks at me) You can have him! 66 years of marriage, I'm done. End scene. Last weekend, my husband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. Because
Read more 28
Act I, sc i 4 year old: Where are we going now? Me: Home. Four year old: Oh, we're going home from the wine store? Me: Well, yes. We finished our errands. We went to the supermarket and wine store. Now we're going home. Four year old: ...from the wine store. Me: ...and the supermarket. Four year old: ...and the wine store. End scene. Charles Dickens got it wrong. A Christmas Carol may make a
Read more 16
Act I, sc i Early morning, near soccer fields. My husband, 12-year old son and I are walking through a parking lot toward the fields. 12 year old is looking at his phone talking to me about the weather in the region. Husband: Son, stop talking to your mother. I can see her zapping the testosterone right out of you. When my children were babies, they looked exactly like my husband. It was a fact readily
Read more 9
The week that my four year old proclaimed, “Mom, I hear the mooing of the cows of the universe,” was the same week that my daughter almost got hit by a car, she received her Confirmation, and our grill, literally, went up in flames. The mooing that my toddler heard was, in reality, the alarm of our volunteer fire department -- a deep honking noise projected throughout the town in measured blasts that might, now
Read more 3
Act I, sc i My kitchen as I prepare lunch boxes. It is morning. Me: (to my 12 year old son) Do you want your leftover pasta from the restaurant last night? 12 year old: No, I didn’t really like the sauce. Me: Really? I thought it was delicious. 12 year old: (pauses) Well, I guess I’m just not really used to homemade sauce. 14 year old daughter: Whhhaaat? Me: What do you mean? 12 year
Read more 13
Act I, sc i Me: Ok, let's get you dressed, so we can run out to the fish store. 4 year old: Which fish store? Me: The dinner fish store, where we can get dinner. 4 year old: Oh, so the dead fish store. End scene. When we were house hunting, one of the things that attracted me to the neighborhood where we now live was a pond around the corner from our house. Week
Read more 2
Act I, sc i 14 year old: Mom, look at these hairstyles. All these girls dyed their hair gray. Me: It's crazy but it looks so cool. I love that picture of Rihanna with gray hair. 14 year old: You should dye your hair gray. It would look awesome. Me: (shaking head, mumbling under breath) You have no idea what it's like being 41, do you? End scene. I used to be a redhead. I say
Read more 3
Act I, sc i Me: We’re going to be late for school, it’s time to clean up. 4 year old: I’ll help you clean up because it’s my mess too. Me: Actually, it’s all your mess. 4 year old: How about I play music while you clean up? End scene. I think every mother sometimes feels like she has multiple personalities -- the nurturer and the enforcer, the woman who cannot wait until bedtime and
Read more 1
This past Mother’s Day left me a little singed around the edges, like one of those middle school history projects where a student burns the edges of an “historic” document to make it look more significant and old. For a few days after, I felt a little prickly and, if I’m being totally honest, let down. I had no business feeling this way. I am one of the lucky ones who, in my forties, has
Read more 69